Thursday, February 17, 2011

Stream of Consciousness

A few bible studies ago, I discussed some of my striving issues. I also discussed my thoughts of being in a dry period of my walk with God. The more I talked about it with Peter on the way home, the more I was able to dig into this feeling of being somewhat disconnected.

Disconnected to what?

Life, basically.

It's not that I'm "going through the motions", but it's almost as if I have so much going on that I'm only allowing myself to be partially invested in everything. I've always been what I consider to be an independent person. In the past I've built up walls to protect myself. I try to be strong for others. I realize that sometimes it's hard for me to just allow myself to feel. To have raw, beautiful emotion. I've noticed this the past few months and have been in thought and prayer about it.

I think part of the problem is that I get in the way of what He is trying to do. I think I also tend to subconsciously deflect feeling too much. My natural tendency is to justify everything, push away what I think might hurt me, and sweep things under the carpet.

What if I stumble, what if I fall?

What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?

Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?

Sometimes I buy into the enemy's lies. Lies that my life has to be perfect and I have to have it all together. Lies about myself, my marriage, and God's love and mercy.

It's amazing how many things have "come up" in the past few weeks about this. At the woman's heart breakfast, my friend, Steff Knabe, did a good job summing it up. She was speaking about her own struggles, but it really resonated with me. I need to "stop worshipping myself and lay myself down to Him". Easier said than done.

I feel God working in this area of my life. I'm not sure where it's headed, but I know it'll be good (Romans 8:28).

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