Disappointed...in myself.

We're having renovations done on our house. The bathroom is getting a new tub with caulkless surround and fixtures. The archway is being removed to raise the ceiling. This means that Peter won't have to slouch to take a shower anymore - yay! The kitchen is getting a new counter, sink, and fixtures. We prepared, but not to the extent that we needed to.

I won't get into all of the details here, but on Wednesday after work, I came home and just cried. There were some small things that added to it with extra holes in walls, chipped cupboards, and a cracked bathroom sink, but I guess it's just not how I thought it was going to go. I thought it was going to be the bathroom then the kitchen. Coupled with other stress and the renovations going on at work, I just had a girl moment. After that, I was fine...for the most part.

The week continued and my attitude was a constant struggle. God has really been working on me in that area. After a week which included helping a woman with 2 autistic kids, helping at church where a 12 year old girl died, and attending an event for people who can't speak without the aid of a communication device, I thought I'd have a better perspective. After encounter those situations this week, you'd think I'd be more grateful for the many blessings in my life, including having a house and being able to make fantastic renovations to it.

I kept justifying my attitude in my mind. I had work renovations, "I needed to get ready somewhere", and other reasons why it was "Ok" to react the way I did. Those are all bogus. I'm glad for the growth opportunity that God has given me, but very disappointed in how I reacted to it all. Selfish. Inpatient. Ungrateful. Rude.

Peter has been an awesome source of strength and encouragement. He's been able to roll with the uncertainty and changes much better than I have. He's been so sweet and thoughtful and intentionally caring for me during this time. I wish I could say the same about myself. I'm so thankful that he is able to bring me back to reality, calm my nerves and stress, and put a positive spin on the situation.

One Thousand Gifts - loving this book!

This book that I'm reading is just amazing. I'm only a few chapters in, but it's quickly becoming one of my favorite books for my own spiritual growth. It's about living fully right where you are, which is so what I need in my life right now. Instead of looking forward to when I'm debt free, or having kids, or whatever, I need to be living fully in the here and now. I don't want to miss something that's happening now because I'm busy waiting on the future. My next breath isn't guaranteed let alone my next week, month, or year.

Ann Voskamp describes how part of living a full life is being thankful for everything and finding joy in all circumstances. This is especially challenging for me since a large part of my life (work) is so completely opposite of that. But I'm trying to find small moments of joy throughout my days at work and fill my evenings and weekends with things that are good for my soul. I believe that God has me where I am for a reason and I may not ever understand why, but I do have to trust Him.

I'll leave you with some of my favorite quotes that have really spoken to my heart:

page 54:

God is in the details; God is in the moment. God is in all that blurs by in a life - even hurts in a life.

page 55:

This is the whole of the secret learning? I confess, even after all that I've seen and tasted and touched, I do scoff. I yearn for the stuff of saints, the hard language, the fluency of thanksgiving in all, even the ugliest and most heartbreaking. I want the very fullest life.

pages 55-56:

This is why I had never really learned the language of "thanks in all things"! Though pastors preached t, I still came home and griped on. I had never practiced. Practiced until it became the second nature, the first skin. Practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation. Practice, practice, practice. Hammer. Hammer. Hammer. This training might prove to be the hardest in m life. It just might save my life.

page 57:

Joy is the realest reality, the fullest life, and joy is always given, never grasped. God gives gifts and I give thanks and I unwrap the gift given: joy.

It is true, I never stop wanting to learn the hard eucharisteo for the deathbeds and dark skies and the prodigal sons. But I accept this is the way to begin, and all hard things come in due time and with practice. Yet now wisps of cheese tell me gentle that this is the first secret step into eucharisteo's miracle. Gratitude for the seemingly insignificant--a seed--this pants the giant miracle. The miracle of eucharisteo, like the Last Supper, is in the eating of crumbs, the swallowing down one mouthful. Do not disdain the small. The whole of the life--even the hard--is made up of the minute parts, and if I miss the infinitesimals, I miss the whole. These are new language lessons, and I live them out. There is a way to live the big of giving thanks in all things. It is this: to give thanks in this one small thing. The moments will add up.

I, too, had read it often, the oft-quoted verse: "And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Ephesians 5:20). And I, too, would nod and say straight-faced, "I'm thankful for everything." But in this counting gifts, to one thousand, more, I discover that slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life leaves me deeply thankful for very few things in my life. A lifetime of sermons on "thanks in all things" and the shelves sagging with books on these things and I testify: life-changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific ail at a time.

page 58:

How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy when it is joy that saves us? Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering. The converse does. The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world. When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows. How can this not be the best thing for the world? For us?

page 64:

Oh yes, I know you, the busyness of your life leaving little room for the source of your life.

One Thousand Gifts

I recently started reading Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are". While I struggle a bit with the writing style, I am loving this book! Usually I'm a fairly speedy reader, but the style Ann uses is a bit different than I am used to. This slows things down a bit as I need to read more carefully. I fully believe God intended this book for careful reading. At least for me.

I find myself constantly agreeing with what she is saying and stopping to ponder how this plays out in my own life.

One of the first times that Ann really grabbed my attention with this book is on page 22:

"I wonder too...if the rent in the canvas of our life backdrop, the losses that puncture our world, our own emptiness, might actually become places to see. To see through to God. That which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave. Maybe so. But how? How do we choose to allow the holes to become seeing-through-to-God places? To more-God places? How do I give up resentment for gratitude, gnawing anger for spilling joy? Self-focus for God-communion?"

I feel like God has been dumping a lot of things in my life to process in this regard. I'm still working through it all, but I feel like this book is going to be very beneficial for me. Lately, I've been struggling with contentment where with my current "life" situation. Don't get me wrong - I love my life...the thing is, I find myself constantly looking forward to what's coming next...No matter what the "next" is. I'm surrendering this area of my life and trying to appreciate the here and now and exactly what I'm doing. Instead of looking forward to the weekend, I choose to try to find joy in what happens Monday-Friday. Instead of looking forward to our next trip or vacation, I choose to try to find joy in random visits with friends, date nights, and movies/PJ nights at home.

Ann writes a bit about this on page 31:

"Isn't it here? The wonder? Why do I spend so much of my living hours struggling to see it? Do we truly stumble so blind that we must be affronted with blinding magnificence for our blurry soul-sight to recognize grandeur? The very same surging magnificence that cascades over our every day here. Who has time or eyes to notice? All my eyes can seem to fixate on are the splatters of disappointment across here and me."

I don't want to be blind to the daily blesses that God gives me. I don't want to focus on the disappointment. I choose joy.

"So then as long as thanks is possible...I think this through. As long as thanks is possible, then joy is always possible. Joy is always possible. Whenever, meaning--now; wherever, meaning--here. The holy grail of joy is not in some exotic location or some emotional mountain peak experience. The joy wonder could be here! Here, in the messy, piercing ache of now, joy might be--unbelievably--possibly!" (page 33)

Stream of Consciousness

A few bible studies ago, I discussed some of my striving issues. I also discussed my thoughts of being in a dry period of my walk with God. The more I talked about it with Peter on the way home, the more I was able to dig into this feeling of being somewhat disconnected.

Disconnected to what?

Life, basically.

It's not that I'm "going through the motions", but it's almost as if I have so much going on that I'm only allowing myself to be partially invested in everything. I've always been what I consider to be an independent person. In the past I've built up walls to protect myself. I try to be strong for others. I realize that sometimes it's hard for me to just allow myself to feel. To have raw, beautiful emotion. I've noticed this the past few months and have been in thought and prayer about it.

I think part of the problem is that I get in the way of what He is trying to do. I think I also tend to subconsciously deflect feeling too much. My natural tendency is to justify everything, push away what I think might hurt me, and sweep things under the carpet.

What if I stumble, what if I fall?

What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?

Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?

What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?

Sometimes I buy into the enemy's lies. Lies that my life has to be perfect and I have to have it all together. Lies about myself, my marriage, and God's love and mercy.

It's amazing how many things have "come up" in the past few weeks about this. At the woman's heart breakfast, my friend, Steff Knabe, did a good job summing it up. She was speaking about her own struggles, but it really resonated with me. I need to "stop worshipping myself and lay myself down to Him". Easier said than done.

I feel God working in this area of my life. I'm not sure where it's headed, but I know it'll be good (Romans 8:28).

Striving

Strive:

• to exert oneself vigorously; try hard: He strove to make himself understood.
• to make strenuous efforts toward any goal: to strive for success.
• to contend in opposition, battle, or any conflict; compete.
• to struggle vigorously, as in opposition or resistance: to strive against fate.

I strive. Not always in a good way. I strive to be a good wife. A good Christian. A good daughter, sister, and friend. The list goes on...

But what is my motivation?

Colossians 3:17 says, "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

My motivation should always be to please God. To do all things for His glory. I often fall short of this, though. Many times without even knowing it until after I've done something. So often my striving turns to proving.

Prove:

• to give demonstration of by action.
• to show (oneself) to have the character or ability expected of one, esp. through one's actions.

Did anyone else see actions twice there? I use my actions to try to prove myself. I cook and clean to "prove" I'm a good housewife. I try to attend all family get-togethers to "prove" I'm a good daughter, sister, aunt, etc. I do my work twice as fast as my co-workers to "prove" I'm a good employee. But what if I don't do one of these things? Does it make me a bad person? Does it mean I'm not as loved by my husband? By God?

Romans 8:38-39 declares that nothing can separate us from the love of God! Nothing I do, or don't do, will make God love me any more, or any less.

All of these actions, this "proving" of myself, is foolish. Satan uses my good intentions and desire to please God to quickly turn it into a problem for me. Satan puts thoughts of fear and doubt around me that for some reason, in certain times, can seem so much easier to believe than the Truth. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a good wife, Christian, or anything else. But striving and "proving" is a danger-zone for me. I can quickly put a lot of unnecessary and burdensome expectations on myself. I need to constantly check my motivations for doing things. I need to make sure that I'm putting all of my efforts into bringing glory to God, not to myself.

Time For a Change

Last week was the worst week at work that I've ever had. My supervisor is completely useless. A co-worker left the department and due to poor management, we've been scrambling to make things work in my department. We have a new addition, but she has no HR experience and was supposed to be an administrative assistant. Now she's being dumped on with HR things. My other co-worker is leaving in a few short weeks for 4 months at a client. Last week my supervisor lost his temper with me for no reason. The co-worker the left the department and the new addition both didn't do something they were supposed to do. When I got pulled into it, I tried to inform my supervisor and he was cutting me off, asking irrelevant questions, and told me to shut up and quit acting like I know everything. I was super peeved. I cleared out my desk and told Peter he needed to come pick me up. I sent my supervisor an email saying that I didn't appreciate what had happened and that I was taking the afternoon off to think about what I need to do. He denied telling me to shut up and said that he's only ever been supportive of me since he's gotten here. Um, what??

Anyways...this and everything else that has been going on with being completely overworked, underpaid, and demotivated has pushed me to actively seek other employment. I'm still working at the same place for now. I don't want to hurt myself and Peter financially by quitting. I almost, almost, almost did though. Peter was super supportive and we talked for days about how we would make things work if necessary.

I'm trusting God through this and that He has a plan. I know that He can see the whole picture while I can only see a piece of the puzzle.

The Advent Season

This time of year has always been a favorite of mine. Even more so than my love for autumn. As a kid, it was hyped up with Santa and new Christmas dresses and packing into our van to see a live nativity. I didn't appreciate seeing that live nativity as much as I should have. My attention was set to Santa and what new toys I wanted. As I got older and entered my highschool and college years, the hustle and bustle of Christmas grew with secret Santas, Christmas countdown calendars, and Christmas parties. I also got the added bonus of long breaks from school. Since graduating, my focus has been more centered on the birth of our sweet Savior. I don't know if this is a typical course of action for most folks, but I find myself wishing my focus had gotten here earlier.

Better late than never, though, right?

Don't get me wrong, I still love the hustle and bustle of Christmas time and buying the gift I think is best suited for my loved ones. I love bundling up and going to our annual Light Up Night down in the city, seeing "A Christmas Carol" and "The Nutcracker" at the theater and baking cookies for days on end. I love watching Christmas movies, old and new, while cuddled under a blanket with a steaming cup of hot chocolate.

But it's not the focus of my Christmas.

As the end of another year is approaching, I'm reminded again just how much the Lord has done for me in the past year alone.  I'm reminded of His abundant grace, His unconditional love and His mercy beyond measure.  I feel like I've been stretched and molded and formed so much in the past year.  I've seen my faith increase by leaps and bounds.  

If someone were to ask me if I trust the Lord, I would undoubtedly say yes.  But do I really?  I mean really trust Him?  In all areas of my life and everything that happens to me?  Sadly, no.  It goes against my human nature to trust Him with all my heart and mind and soul and strength.  But I've seen this area of my life change in the past year.  My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak.  I'm more easily and much more quickly prone to say "Ok, Lord, I trust you" with whatever is happening.  Whether it's been broken relationships within my family, medical conditions of loved ones, or something simple like an issue at work which has been a point of stress.  

But it didn't happen automatically.  It's been hard work, but so rewarding.  It's been more rewarding than I could've even imagined.  It started with a murmur of trust to my Heavenly Father.  Of trying to let go more than actually letting go.  It started with a desire to be obedient, but having trouble trusting.  And it's flourished into a sweet commune with my Savior.  Into a fully trusting relationship.  I've been so blessed this year and am thankful for each blessing I've received.  I've told people, who I haven't actually said this to in a very long time, that I love them.  I've experienced healing in deep wounds.  I've witnessed mending of brokenness, reaffirming of love, and more blessings than I could possibly begin to count.  

Did I think God wasn't big enough to care for my every need?  Absolutely not.

Did I think He wouldn't hear my prayers or answer my pleas?  Nope again.

But by not trusting Him completely, that's basically what I was telling Him.  By separating areas of my life between areas of full trust and then those areas where I "trusted" but anxiety and worry and the attempt to do things my way took over was undermining His authority.  

But be careful what you pray for.

I've been praying for growth and the ability to fully trust in the Lord and I've got it.  But it came with a price of sacrificing my will for His.  It's the best sacrifice I could give though.  This past year has been a whirlwind of wrestling with myself to allow Christ to be the center of my life.  When an opportunity for trust presented itself and I wasn't trusting, fully trusting, He let me know.  It usually went something like this:

      God: Trust me.
      Me:  I do.
      God: No, really trust me.  Surrender your doubt, your worry, your hurt.  I love you and will take care of you.
      Me: I want to, but...
      God:  No buts.  This is what you prayed for now trust me, my daughter.
      Me:  Help me to trust You.  My flesh is so weak.

It was incredible how He turned my meager attempt to trust to full assurance in my Savior.  He knew I wouldn't be able to always surrender my will to His.  He knew it would be a hard road for me.  But He was just waiting for me to ask for help and right there He was carrying me whenever I couldn't walk on my own.  

This wasn't just for those "big ticket items" of broken relationships, but it has become an everyday item kind of relationship.  The amount of worry and stress in my life has significantly decreased.   That's not to say there aren't times when it's hard to surrender and the burdens of life are bringing me down.  But repeat the above conversation and that's where I'm at.  

I'm amazed at how many people trim their trees and decorate their homes in preparation for the Christmas holiday, but are not preparing their hearts for Christ.  It saddens me to think of those who celebrate Christmas, but not the true meaning behind this great approaching holiday.  The babe in the manger who is the Savior of the world.  

This advent season I am focused on worshipping Him in all the hustle and bustle of the season.  To focus on His love for me and what He's done to save me time and time again.  As I list to Selah's "O Come O Come Emmanuel" playing in the background, I think of how many times I've been "Israel".

Rejoice, Rejoice!  Emmanuel shall come to thee, Oh Israel!


"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."


This couldn't be more true. I don't know how many people are actually reading this little blog of mine, but if you are reading this, I just encourage you to seek His will for your lives with all you've got. It'll be hard. But it'll be so worth it. If I can pray for you in any way, please comment or email me. I'd be glad to share in this journey with you.

Thank you Jesus for what you've done and continue to do in my life.

Adjusting My Focus

For the last 12 weeks or so, we've been learning about prayer at our church.  Both the Sunday sermons, scripture memory verses, and Tuesday nights have centered around this central issue.  With the exception that I felt like I wasn't praying often enough, I thought that my prayer life was pretty good.  Boy was I wrong!

I've really learned some valuable lessons from this prayer series, but the one that stands out the most is one that started to evolve before this series even started.  And it has to do with my focus and the desires of my heart.  

In the past my prayers would be focused on what I thought was best.  Now I focus on what the Lord knows is best.  Instead of asking for a circumstance to be removed from my life or for a struggling friend to no longer struggle, I now pray for obedience to God's will.  I've realized how narrow my focus has been and have been actively working to broaden it.  Recently, I've noticed that I'm sometimes at a loss of words during prayers.  And in those moments I just say "Let your will be done, Lord."  Now that God has softened my heart and changed my focus, I'm learning how to expand on my prayers in a way that glorifies Him.  Sometimes I have nothing to say except for admitting "Lord, I'm struggling to understand this situation and I pray you just continue to help me surrender to you."  Many times, that's all that our Heavenly Father wants to hear anyways.  

My heart desires the Lord's will to be done.  No matter what that may mean.  The confusion, hurt and struggling that comes along with that only draws me closer to Him.  

Being Thankful....In and For

I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, and all year long.  Including, but not limited to all of the materialistic blessings of a house, car, food on the table, a job for both Peter and myself.  But more than that I am blessed with a loving and wonderful husband who I realize more and more each day was specifically designed for me by my God who loves me.  Peter is the ying to my yang.  The pretzels to my m&ms.  The soulmate God chose for me.  And I love him more each day.  But even more than that, I am blessed with the grace, mercy, forgiveness and love of the Lord Jesus Christ.  And nothing can top that.  Not even my awesome husband.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Ephesians 5:20

"...always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Though these two verses seem to be saying the same thing, there is a great difference between the two.  This is something I've been learning through our prayer series at church.  One Tuesday night, Pastor Doug really hit this point home.  

I've only begin to decipher what this all means to me and how to actually apply it to my own life.  And I'm sure it's something I'll probably continue to learn for the rest of my life.  

They say hindsight is always 20/20 and when you can look back on bad times and see the good that's come from it, it's easy to thank God for those bad times.  When you see the benefits that come from negative things, it's easy to thank God for that negative circumstance.  Sometimes we are blessed with being able to see the good that comes from the bad.  To see how, in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).  

But sometimes we don't get to see the good.  We are stuck living the bad and it seems like no good could ever come of the things we are going through.  Can you thank God in that moment?  Yeah, that's a tough pill to swallow.  It's something I'm working on myself.  I think I've gotten the for down a lot better than the in though.  I desire to be an obedient daughter to my Heavenly Father and so I press on trying to thank Him for and in all things.

And the very first part of the first verse I posted?  "Be joyful always"....that's a whole 'nother post for a whole 'nother time.

Bring the Rain

Last week I drove myself to work a couple of days because Peter was home sitting in the dark thanks to his eye. Anyways, I listened to the cd in the cd player and MercyMe's "Bring the Rain" is on it. I've loved it since the first time I've heard it. And I've heard it more times than I can count. But sometimes when I'm driving somewhere and really listening to the music or sitting at work and hearing the words to a song, it can touch me in a whole new way.

I hope to someday be mature enough in my faith to tell God bring whatever it takes to bring Him glory. I've actually been growing a lot in this area of my life this year. My prayers used to be focused on the best outcome I thought the situation could have. Now, I admit my fears and wants and desires to God and pray for His will to be done and for my obedience to His will. It sounds a bit cliche, but it's been life changing. God already knows my thoughts and desires, but it helps for me to admit them. Then acknowledge that about that I want His will to be done. I can't count the number of times I've prayed this way this year. Whether it was for healing for someone, my brother in jail, a work situation, or whatever. I've always come out blessed by it. And I know God has been glorified. And that's the bottom line.

If it takes pain to praise you, Lord bring the pain. If it takes joy to praise you, bring the joy. Whatever it takes Lord, I am here. Willing to praise. Help me to praise you always.

Here are the lyrics incase you've never heard it.  My favorite parts are the chorus and the line about God being much greater than my pain.  So true.  This song is such a blessing :)

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings

You glory And I know there'll

be days When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise

You Jesus, bring the rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

everybody singing
Holy holy holy
you are holy
you are holy

No Expectations

Last night at our what we'll call "Serving As Senders" meeting...we were all asked what we expect to get out of this group or what we expect to happen.  As the people before me shared, I thought about what their expectations were (keeping in touch, learning to love Muslim people, etc.) and realized I had absolutely no expectations except to see God working.  As I shared my reasoning with the group, I explained that I don't have any expectations because I think that limits ourselves and God.  By having an expectation, we are limiting what we want/think should happen.  And that ultimately opens the door to disappointment.  We have very limited perspective and knowledge while God can see the big picture.  And He knows what will happen.  If something doesn't meet our expectation, we will think to ourselves that that isn't the way it was supposed to happen and could easily lose focus.  

I didn't go into much more detail with the group because I didn't want to get off track, but had an extended conversation with Peter on our way home to explain more to him what I meant.  For example, the girl who expects to stay in touch could grow apart from the couple who is leaving.  And that might be sad but God may have other plans for their lives.  I think that God places people in our lives to help get us through situations and things like that and I'm not saying that's what this is, but just by setting the expectation to stay in touch, it could lead to disappointment and frustrations if it's not met.  

I think that sometimes just by simply (consciously or subconsciously) setting expectations, we are giving Satan ways to tear us down.  His ultimate goal is destruction.  He will start working immediately on trying to have those expectations not met so that he can hurt us.  

By having no expectations, I hope to just maintain an open mind and avoid some of the heartache that comes along with expectations.  I think that this "no expectations" theory originated with me in our premarital counseling class we took at EFree.  We talked about expectations and unsaid/unmet expectations and the potential harm they carried along with them.  Since then, I try to just keep an open mind and follow God's will.  I can definitely say there have been several times where this theory has come in handy and has been a blessing.  When I feel myself starting to formulate expectations, I quickly remind myself of what I've just written here and it's sure helped a lot.