Stream of Consciousness

A few bible studies ago, I discussed some of my striving issues. I also discussed my thoughts of being in a dry period of my walk with God. The more I talked about it with Peter on the way home, the more I was able to dig into this feeling of being somewhat disconnected.

Disconnected to what?

Life, basically.

It's not that I'm "going through the motions", but it's almost as if I have so much going on that I'm only allowing myself to be partially invested in everything. I've always been what I consider to be an independent person. In the past I've built up walls to protect myself. I try to be strong for others. I realize that sometimes it's hard for me to just allow myself to feel. To have raw, beautiful emotion. I've noticed this the past few months and have been in thought and prayer about it.

I think part of the problem is that I get in the way of what He is trying to do. I think I also tend to subconsciously deflect feeling too much. My natural tendency is to justify everything, push away what I think might hurt me, and sweep things under the carpet.

What if I stumble, what if I fall?

What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?

Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?

What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?

Sometimes I buy into the enemy's lies. Lies that my life has to be perfect and I have to have it all together. Lies about myself, my marriage, and God's love and mercy.

It's amazing how many things have "come up" in the past few weeks about this. At the woman's heart breakfast, my friend, Steff Knabe, did a good job summing it up. She was speaking about her own struggles, but it really resonated with me. I need to "stop worshipping myself and lay myself down to Him". Easier said than done.

I feel God working in this area of my life. I'm not sure where it's headed, but I know it'll be good (Romans 8:28).

Church - early service style

This morning Peter and I went to the early service at Hebron. We've never been, but wanted to get a head start on our drive to Clearfield for the day. There were several times during the service where someone announced something along the lines of this not being what they usually do. With each mention of that, I got a growing feeling that God had us at this service for a reason. There are no accidents with God. While we "planned" on the early service to make it to Clearfield earlier, it wasn't really our plan at all. It was His. And I'm so thankful.

It's been a long time since a church service has moved me to tears. The Lord works in mysterious ways. He revealed Himself to me in a new way this morning. I may not be "feeling" how I think I should be, but that doesn't mean that God isn't working. Even during a "dry" period. I need to just continue to lay myself down and allow Him to work. I need to get out of His way. It was so moving and encouraging to see the body of Christ come together at church this morning. God heals. He heals physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I have a refreshed and renewed spirit this morning.

Our God is greater.

Our God is stronger.

God you are higher than any other.

Our God is Healer.

Awesome in Power.

Our God.

Our God.

Striving

Strive:

• to exert oneself vigorously; try hard: He strove to make himself understood.
• to make strenuous efforts toward any goal: to strive for success.
• to contend in opposition, battle, or any conflict; compete.
• to struggle vigorously, as in opposition or resistance: to strive against fate.

I strive. Not always in a good way. I strive to be a good wife. A good Christian. A good daughter, sister, and friend. The list goes on...

But what is my motivation?

Colossians 3:17 says, "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

My motivation should always be to please God. To do all things for His glory. I often fall short of this, though. Many times without even knowing it until after I've done something. So often my striving turns to proving.

Prove:

• to give demonstration of by action.
• to show (oneself) to have the character or ability expected of one, esp. through one's actions.

Did anyone else see actions twice there? I use my actions to try to prove myself. I cook and clean to "prove" I'm a good housewife. I try to attend all family get-togethers to "prove" I'm a good daughter, sister, aunt, etc. I do my work twice as fast as my co-workers to "prove" I'm a good employee. But what if I don't do one of these things? Does it make me a bad person? Does it mean I'm not as loved by my husband? By God?

Romans 8:38-39 declares that nothing can separate us from the love of God! Nothing I do, or don't do, will make God love me any more, or any less.

All of these actions, this "proving" of myself, is foolish. Satan uses my good intentions and desire to please God to quickly turn it into a problem for me. Satan puts thoughts of fear and doubt around me that for some reason, in certain times, can seem so much easier to believe than the Truth. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a good wife, Christian, or anything else. But striving and "proving" is a danger-zone for me. I can quickly put a lot of unnecessary and burdensome expectations on myself. I need to constantly check my motivations for doing things. I need to make sure that I'm putting all of my efforts into bringing glory to God, not to myself.